5 years later...so long as you're able to help, why not do it?

September 22, 2006, 3:47 pm, UPenn Hospital, Philadelphia, PA----when we lost Boone to complications from a stem cell transplant to treat leukemia.  Without a doubt, the worst day of my life.  And here I am, five years later, a totally different person, but in some ways stuck back in 2006.  It sometimes seems surreal that we spent virtually every moment of every day for 9 months fighting ALL...so many, many days and nights spent in the hospital, ER, ICU, and doctor's office for chemotherapy or other treatments.  And up until the very last day, I was sure that whatever the setbacks that were dealt him, Boone would survive.   And, then sometimes fearful that he would survive and that he would suffer from the many complications/side effects that so many people who have stem cell transplants deal with.....debilitating GVHD, cataracts within 10 years, necrosis, hip replacements, to name just a few.  Yes, it is so difficult to write this, but at times I actually was fearful for his survival...as horrible as someone might think it sounds.  But, don't judge if you haven't faced what we faced.  Our beautiful, strong, healthy, athletic son was turned into a person who couldn't walk to corner without being winded in those 9 months....and the pain he endured...so many pain medications. 

We all miss Boone so much....miss what he could have been.  He would almost be 25 years old.  He would have finished college....I wonder what he would have majored in.  Would he be in his first job?  Or would he have applied to law school as he sometimes thought he might want to do?  Would he be married?  Where would he be living?  So many questions that dissolved into nothingness on that day 5 years ago. 

Oh, how proud he would be of Jordan right now.  I can still hear him wondering where she would go to college.  Hey Boone, she's in her last year at Auburn!  She would have loved for you to come visit her there.  Imagine attending one of Auburn's football games last year, during their National Championship year....like she attended one with you that fall at UVa. 

Oh Boone, I will always have a piece of my heart missing...for you took it with you that devastating day 5 years ago.  As I hope you somehow know,  I think of you every day.  I hope you think we are fulfilling your request from 5 years ago.  I am so grateful that I found that document on your laptop.  I think I'll write it again here, because it helps to make sure that I never forget:

"I wrote this to share with you my experiences, to show you the huge impact that it has had on my life, to show you how painful, how hard, and how truly difficult going through something like this can be. Not so that you sympathize with me, but so that you realize it can happen to you, your mom, your dad, your girlfriend/boyfriend, your siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, you name it… I’m not trying to worry anyone, but rather raise awareness as to the wide-reaching effects of diseases such as leukemia. "

"This experience has truly changed my life in ways that I never could have imagined. Priorities have been flipped upside down, and things that I wouldn’t even have given a second thought to in the past I now look at as beauty in everyday life… to be so close to death, and be so fortunate as to make my way back to health, has opened my eyes to what is really valuable in this world and in my life. I hope that you see the value that can be found in the lives of all of your friends and family, and that you take strides to protecting their lives (and the lives of thousands of others), by supporting an organization which researches life-threatening diseases."

"My request is simple… please, please find a charity, find an organization, find ANYTHING that supports research into a disease such as leukemia, HIV, breast cancer… ANYTHING… and support it. Give money, volunteer time, do anything you can, no matter how small and insignificant it may seem. You never know when something like this may be thrown into your lap, and you never know who may be affected by a disease like this… you think it can’t happen to you (hell, I sure didn’t) and hopefully it never will, but so long as you’re able to help– why not do it?"

I love you Boone.
Mom

Blood Cancer facts and statistics

Blood cancers are cancers that affect the blood, bone marrow, lymph nodes, and other parts of the lymphatic system.
Did you know:

• Every 4 minutes, someone in the U. S. is diagnosed with a blood cancer.
• In 2010, an estimated 137,260 people in the U. S. will be diagnosed with leukemia, lymphoma or myeloma.
• These new cases of blood cancer will account for almost 10% of all the new cancers diagnosed in the U. S.
• Every 10 minutes, someone in the U. S. dies from a blood cancer...that's 6 people every hour, 148 people every day!
• Leukemia causes about 1/3 of all cancer deaths in children younger than 15 years of age.
• In 2010, 447 children under the age of 15 years were expected to die from leukemia in the U. S.

(data from the Leukemia Lymphoma Society, Facts 2010-2011 brochure)

I still question

J left to go back to school yesterday. It's a long 12 hour drive and I feel like I hold my breath until I know she's safely there.  Less than an hour after she got there she received an Auburn weather alert.  Due to an ice storm that's expected to hit the area tonight, classes have been canceled for Monday.  So, I guess everyone will be able to get an early start on the preparations for the Auburn-Oregon game.  War Eagle!

I finished reading Unbroken, a remarkable story about a man's survival in a Japanese POW camp during WWII.  I highly recommend this book, but I had to put it down at times because the horror of what he lived through was almost overwhelming.  In the last part of the book, Louie is heavily drinking as he tries to escape the reality of what he experienced.  After reluctantly attending a Billy Graham revival, he remembers how he promised God that he would dedicate his life to Him if he would save him from dying on a raft in the Pacific Ocean.  Thus begins his life's turnaround.

After reading this book, I think it would be easy for Louie to dispel of the idea of God.  How could a kind and loving God allow anyone to suffer as Louie did?  I am still struggling with regaining my faith in God.  After B died, I was convinced that there could not be a God.  It didn't make sense to me.  B was only 19 and just beginning his adult life.  He truly was one of the best people I know....so kind, so smart, so loving, so funny.  And he suffered through so much with leukemia.  Why did Jesus save people who were sick, raise people from the dead when asked by their loved ones.....but our fervent prayers of B's healing were unanswered?  I am still, still struggling with these questions. And I still, still miss my son so much that it physically hurts.