On being human

Today is June 13th.  It's one of my least favorite days.  Five years ago today Boone received a phone call from his oncologist saying he had relapsed.  They had found more blasts in his spinal fluid during a routine lumbar puncture exam.  Boone called me at work with the news and I ran home as quickly as I could.  It was one of our darkest days during Boone's treatment.  We had been following the protocol to the letter, which was extremely difficult.  Boone was in the oncologist's office on average 3 times a week for either blood draws or chemo treatment. And he had been hospitalized numerous times for 3 to 9 days at a stretch, not to count the initial one month hospitalization.  Boone never expressed displeasure at what was being asked of him; he simply knew this was what he had to do.  We were all devastated by the news of his relapse a nd the resulting search for a bone marrow donor.  Often I will flashback to a particularly difficult time during Boone's treatment and literally feel sick to my stomach.  June 13th is one of those days. 

But I'd like to reflect on something we discussed in our Sunday School class last night.  We're studying the book "How Good Do We Have to Be?" by Rabbi Harold Kuschner.  Chapter 2 is studying what happened in the Garden of Eden.  One analysis says "He (God) is not so much as punishing them (Adam and Eve) as saying to them, 'You ate of that tree because you wanted to be like God, knowing Good and Evil?  Well, you're about to find out how frustrating it is to be like God, to create something and then give up control of what you have created, to want something to turn out as perfectly as your pictured it in your mind and then see how far short the reality falls of your original intention.  There is more pain than you could ever imagine in knowing about Good and Evil.'"  Wow, that hit home. The pain from losing my son is the worst pain that I've ever, ever experienced.  I suppose that as humans, we feel that pain as a result of our "original sin". 

However, I had one other thought....Would I not want to feel that pain?  Yes and no.  Yes, because it is so, so hard and hurts so much.  No, because in some weird way, it keeps me connected to Boone.  It helps me remember how much he loved each of us and how much I loved him.  To be human, is to feel pain; but it is also to feel joy and happiness.  And my 19 years with Boone were filled with joy.  I wouldn't trade that for anything.

I still question

J left to go back to school yesterday. It's a long 12 hour drive and I feel like I hold my breath until I know she's safely there.  Less than an hour after she got there she received an Auburn weather alert.  Due to an ice storm that's expected to hit the area tonight, classes have been canceled for Monday.  So, I guess everyone will be able to get an early start on the preparations for the Auburn-Oregon game.  War Eagle!

I finished reading Unbroken, a remarkable story about a man's survival in a Japanese POW camp during WWII.  I highly recommend this book, but I had to put it down at times because the horror of what he lived through was almost overwhelming.  In the last part of the book, Louie is heavily drinking as he tries to escape the reality of what he experienced.  After reluctantly attending a Billy Graham revival, he remembers how he promised God that he would dedicate his life to Him if he would save him from dying on a raft in the Pacific Ocean.  Thus begins his life's turnaround.

After reading this book, I think it would be easy for Louie to dispel of the idea of God.  How could a kind and loving God allow anyone to suffer as Louie did?  I am still struggling with regaining my faith in God.  After B died, I was convinced that there could not be a God.  It didn't make sense to me.  B was only 19 and just beginning his adult life.  He truly was one of the best people I know....so kind, so smart, so loving, so funny.  And he suffered through so much with leukemia.  Why did Jesus save people who were sick, raise people from the dead when asked by their loved ones.....but our fervent prayers of B's healing were unanswered?  I am still, still struggling with these questions. And I still, still miss my son so much that it physically hurts.

First Snow and Bird Ornaments

We spent a wonderful weekend at the cabin and even got to enjoy the season's first snow.

 

I just love seeing the first snow and tried to get a few pictures of Baxter in the snow.  Not much success there.  This one by the fire came out better.

 

I tried to take a picture of how beautiful the snow was dripping off the pine tree, but since this was taken with my cellphone the quality isn't very good.

 

On the way home I picked up a "new" used crate for Baxter so we won't have to lug his back and forth to the cabin.  I've been looking on Craigslist around here and haven't been able to find anything under $40.  But, this guy in Staunton was selling one for $30, so I nabbed it.  It's a bit smaller than the one here, so it should also be easier for traveling.  

Since I'm talking about my sweet dog...I should also say that I'm mad at him.  Yesterday, I was cleaning the two extra bedrooms and saw a little yellow spot on the carpet.  And then I saw another larger yellow spot.  Pee!  When we adopted Baxter a year ago, we had a hard time getting him house trained, but I really thought this was behind us!  I pulled out the trusty Little Green Machine, but for some reason, it wouldn't suction properly and just spread the urine spots.  I must have used 49 paper towels trying to dry the spots.  

Today I attacked the urine spots again.  They are better, but the urine smell is still there.  Argghhh! 

I finally hung the bird ornaments.  J saw them when she came home from Auburn...thought they would be ok for Etsy....I wish.   

 

 I still wasn't able to photograph the blue one well and it is such a beautiful blue.

 I finished reading Unbroken by Laura Hildebrand.  Excellent book; it's hard to believe that Louie went through such an ordeal during WWII.   I found especially interesting how Louie dealt with life after returning home.  He didn't want anything to do with the church and he was consumed with trying to exact revenge on his POW captor.  Then he went to a couple of Billy Graham seminars and remembered a promise he made while floating on a raft in the Pacific Ocean....that he would devote his life to God.  It turned his life around.

Makes me think.....