On being human

Today is June 13th.  It's one of my least favorite days.  Five years ago today Boone received a phone call from his oncologist saying he had relapsed.  They had found more blasts in his spinal fluid during a routine lumbar puncture exam.  Boone called me at work with the news and I ran home as quickly as I could.  It was one of our darkest days during Boone's treatment.  We had been following the protocol to the letter, which was extremely difficult.  Boone was in the oncologist's office on average 3 times a week for either blood draws or chemo treatment. And he had been hospitalized numerous times for 3 to 9 days at a stretch, not to count the initial one month hospitalization.  Boone never expressed displeasure at what was being asked of him; he simply knew this was what he had to do.  We were all devastated by the news of his relapse a nd the resulting search for a bone marrow donor.  Often I will flashback to a particularly difficult time during Boone's treatment and literally feel sick to my stomach.  June 13th is one of those days. 

But I'd like to reflect on something we discussed in our Sunday School class last night.  We're studying the book "How Good Do We Have to Be?" by Rabbi Harold Kuschner.  Chapter 2 is studying what happened in the Garden of Eden.  One analysis says "He (God) is not so much as punishing them (Adam and Eve) as saying to them, 'You ate of that tree because you wanted to be like God, knowing Good and Evil?  Well, you're about to find out how frustrating it is to be like God, to create something and then give up control of what you have created, to want something to turn out as perfectly as your pictured it in your mind and then see how far short the reality falls of your original intention.  There is more pain than you could ever imagine in knowing about Good and Evil.'"  Wow, that hit home. The pain from losing my son is the worst pain that I've ever, ever experienced.  I suppose that as humans, we feel that pain as a result of our "original sin". 

However, I had one other thought....Would I not want to feel that pain?  Yes and no.  Yes, because it is so, so hard and hurts so much.  No, because in some weird way, it keeps me connected to Boone.  It helps me remember how much he loved each of us and how much I loved him.  To be human, is to feel pain; but it is also to feel joy and happiness.  And my 19 years with Boone were filled with joy.  I wouldn't trade that for anything.